The Last Christmas Cowboy Read online

  “Oh, please, God, tell me you are not asking me to teach you about sex.”

  “That was the bet.”

  “The bet was me...teaching you about chemistry. Explaining things to you, not...actually...showing you.”

  “Maybe I’m a tactile learner. I need hands-on examples.”

  “Stop it. That isn’t going to happen.”

  “Why not?”

  “Spoken like a virgin.”

  “Fair enough,” she said. “I am a virgin. Hello.” She smiled broadly at the people who approached the booth, which effectively put their conversation on hold while they went into their spiel about horseshoes and blacksmithing again. When the family left, she turned back to him.

  “I just don’t see what the problem is. You want to. I think I want to...”

  “You think you want to.”

  “Well, I haven’t done it. So, it’s really hard to say.”

  “So, answer me this. Do you just want to because I’m the first man that’s ever shown any interest in you that you’ve noticed?”

  “You’re not the first. There was Elliott.”

  He snorted. There was not enough derision in the sound to express how much he felt. “Okay.”

  “I’m not at all interested in Elliott that way,” she continued, as if he hadn’t snorted. “And I don’t need to trial and error that. I have immediately no interest.”

  “All right. So, between me and one other guy that is the human equivalent of a pair of pleat-front khakis, you are more into me.”

  “Rude. Also, I’m not sure how many people are required to go through a list and compare and contrast and decide if there’s another person out there they might want more than the one in proximity. Most people just do it.”

  “My point is,” he said, “I think this might have more to do with opportunity for you. And what you’re not considering is the consequences.”

  She blinked at him in utter confusion. “Well, use a condom.”

  He just about pitched over the edge of the booth and landed on the poker he was gripping in his hand. But he didn’t have time to react. Because another group approached, and they had to do another bit in between this current nonsense they were engaged in. He gritted his teeth through the whole thing. And as soon as they left, he rounded on her. “What the hell do you mean talking like that?”

  “I’m being pragmatic. That’s what you do to prevent consequences.”

  “Pregnancy,” he said. “Which is not the only consequence.”

  “It’s my leading concern.”

  “I wouldn’t let you get pregnant. That’s kind of a given.”

  “Apparently Ryder and Sammy didn’t think so.”

  “They’re different,” he said. “Anyway. Sammy wanted a baby.”

  “So, I got the feeling that whatever happened with them wasn’t really...that kind of thing.”

  “I haven’t put that much thought into it,” he said.

  “I didn’t want to. But seeing as I walked in on them, and there’s not enough bleach for my brain. But I don’t think of you as a brother. I never have, really. I mean, I feel... I guess I feel safe with you. I always have. You... I don’t know. Like I said earlier. There is an inevitability to it. A certainty. I’ve always felt that way about you. Like you would always be there for me no matter what. Like I was safe with you.” She blinked. “I know it sounds silly, Logan, but that kiss brought a lot of stuff up to the surface for me. And it’s not really about being horrified that it’s you. At first it was. When I started noticing you. After the... After you touched me in the barn.”

  “You keep making it sound like I did something really inappropriate,” he growled. “I put a hand on your face.”

  “I felt it everywhere. Doesn’t that tell you something about how I feel? Yeah, it kind of blew my mind. Because I didn’t look at you that way. Because you were always a man. But somewhere in there I became a woman, and I just never changed the way that I was looking at you. But then... Then I did. And now it is what it is. I want you. And more than that, I know what it is to want somebody. But it has also forced me to confront some of the crap that I have, the...the reasons I don’t like to think about my own feelings.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because I just couldn’t? Because if I did, then it would ruin everything for everyone else. I just didn’t want to be a burden. But I just was one by default. My parents had me because they chose to. I never question whether or not they wanted to take care of me. It was their life. Our life. Ryder didn’t choose me. Neither did you. Or Iris, or Pansy. Colt or Jake. I was just this little...useless thing. And I don’t like thinking about it. I don’t like feeling lonely, and I don’t like feeling needy. But sometimes I think I just am. I don’t know how to have all those feelings and not be a burden on somebody else. I’ve tried to not...ask for too much or want too much. I’ve tried to... I’ve tried to help. I never wanted to take more than I already had just by being young. So when you needed bandages... I bandaged you.”

  The sadness in her voice, the depth of it, made him feel like he had fallen on that poker and driven it right through his chest. “We make you feel like a burden?”

  “No,” she said. “You never would have. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t afraid. And thinking about...men and relationships and all of that...it brings all that up for me. Plus...”

  “What?”

  “I can’t be settled. I can’t be with somebody before Iris.”

  “Why, because you’re younger?”

  She said, “I mean, I can’t leave her to be the last one in the house without someone. And I just... I wanted to fix that. And I thought, I can deal with my feelings later, but maybe I can’t. And... I think I need help. And you promised.”

  “You lost the best. It was supposed to be your concession, if I let you off the hook you should just...let me.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Rose,” he said, feeling weary and defeated.

  Because the woman he wanted more than any other was begging him to take her to bed, but the reasons were all wrong. The problem was the right reasons didn’t really exist. Not between the two of them. Because he could not offer her forever, and Rose was the kind of woman who should have it.

  That thought stopped cold in his head.

  That was just a thing he’d been telling himself to keep from touching her, but the truth was... Rose would sleep with more than one man.

  Of course she would. He didn’t expect her to marry the first man who touched her. She was an all-in, both boots in the mud kind of woman. She harbored real insecurities in her heart, and she’d shared those with him today. Had told him she felt like it had kept her from dating, but he knew her.

  When she did date, the guy would kiss her and she’d shove him into the bedroom. Maybe just to see. To satisfy curiosity.

  It was how she was.

  A doer.

  What she deserved was a man she could trust. A man who cared about her. A man who would show her what good sex was so she never settled for less.

  A man who satisfied her curiosity to the fullest extent and then some.

  Damn, the thought of it made him ache. All the ways he could satisfy Rose Daniels.

  The idea she deserved marriage with sex had kept him away from her. Kept her safe. But he’d just demolished that with a healthy dose of reality.

  It would be some man, someday.

  Why not him?

  He wanted her.

  She wasn’t perfect. She was a snarling little brat sometimes. She’d been terrible to Barbara. She’d gotten pissed off and said horrible things to him. And that didn’t make him see her as less. But it made him see her as a person. Just a woman, and not one who needed to be set up on a shelf.

  Human, just like he was.

  She made mistakes, and sh
e’d make more.

  And couldn’t he be part of her mistakes?

  Why the hell not? Why couldn’t he give her this? Why couldn’t he give himself this?

  He didn’t have the strength to say no. Because he was just a man.

  “Come to my place after this,” he said, the words scraping his throat raw.

  But they were spoken, and with it his decision was made.

  Her bravery faltered, her eyes wide. “Really?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “If you want a lesson, Rose, I’ll give it. But you better be prepared to want to learn it.”

  He could see her weighing it. All her brashness had walked her into something she didn’t know a damn thing about. Yes, she was a woman. And yes, he damn well respected her as one. But that little bit of uncertainty highlighted the gulf in their ages and experience, which was the real reason he shouldn’t have told her to come to his place. Not Ryder and any loyalty to him.

  But it was too late now.

  He’d decided, the moment he’d first started feeling things for Rose about the time she was nineteen or so, that he would never, ever act on the lust that twisted his gut into knots.

  That when he’d started noticing the fit of her T-shirts over her breasts, the way her smile lit up her face, the way her dark hair showed flashes of gold in the sun, he’d just push it down the way he did all the feelings he didn’t want.

  He lived less than five miles from a father he’d gone out of his way to never meet. From half brothers he never spoke to.

  When he decided on something, he stuck to it.

  Changing his mind took doing.

  Or, took a taste of her lips.

  And now his mind was changed. Going back wasn’t an option.

  She bit her bottom lip. “Should I bring something?”

  “No.” Just her. That was all he needed.

  “Wine?”

  “No. Don’t bring wine. You’re not allowed to lower your inhibitions, dull your senses, or anything else that will make you act out of character. You need to show up and be you.”

  “What about cheese? Cheese is not especially mood altering.”

  “Why the hell are you offering me wine and cheese? You’ve never been into fussy stuff.”

  “I’m not fussy.” She frowned. “I’m just trying to be classy.”

  Trying to bring class into their ill-advised sex lesson? Shit, he didn’t want class. He wanted it dirty and sweaty and everything he’d been aching for the past five years.

  “I don’t need you to be classy,” he bit out. “Be you.”

  There was a flash of stark vulnerability on her face that made her look younger, and made him feel like an asshole.

  “That’s why I need it to be you,” she said softly.

  “Why?”

  “Because you know me. You want me. That means something to me.”

  Discomfort shifted his gut. “Well, I’m glad,” he said.

  “The crowd is really thinning out,” she commented.

  “And I bet we can take a break,” he said decisively.

  They needed to get out of this booth for a minute, and if the girl was coming over to his place for sex...well. He ought to take her out first.

  A half-assed attempt at being a gentleman.

  “Why?” she asked.

  “Because. I think we should wander around a bit. I’ll get you some cider, come on.”

  He strode out of the booth, and she grabbed hold of her coat, scampering after him. “Cider?” she asked.

  “Yeah,” he said.

  “You don’t like Christmas,” she said.

  His stomach twisted. “No. But I like you. So. I want to walk around with you.”

  A small smile curved her lips upward and he felt himself smile in response. He couldn’t help it.

  They walked side by side, not touching. She flexed her fingertips and he could tell she felt that same kind of restlessness that he did.

  It was funny. The way he could feel her indignation. He’d been able to do that for a long time.

  But he could feel the way she wanted to touch him now. Could feel just how much she wanted him to take her hand. But he couldn’t do it here. Because whatever happened between them, it was going to have to just be the two of them.

  This was on his terms.

  She might be getting something out of this, but his was his fantasy.

  His downfall.

  He’d decide how it went.

  The cider booth was being run by Glenda, the owner of the Mustard Seed Café, who also had chili hot chocolate. There were also candied cinnamon-spiced nuts. He bought two ciders and a paper cone full of the spiced nuts, handing them to Rose.

  They wandered after that, Logan not feeling the cold or seeing much around him.

  Rose walked beside him with the cone of nuts in one hand, and her cider the other.

  He felt like a high school boy trying to impress a girl, and he didn’t like it one bit. He had that tension in his limbs he could remember from that age, too. That intense anticipation. Dates from when he’d been a kid. When the high school football game ended they’d get in his truck and would they park for a while? How far would she want to go?

  He’d taken safe sex seriously even back then. His mom had given him condoms once he’d grown to over six feet tall at the age of fifteen. He would never leave some poor girl pregnant, she’d told him. The condoms were insurance, not permission.

  He’d already had some. He hadn’t told her that.

  There was something about this moment with Rose, the anticipation, that brought him back to those years and he didn’t like it.

  He had to be a lot better than a horny sixteen-year-old for her.

  But damn if he didn’t feel like one.

  For her part, Rose seemed oblivious. She tilted the cone up to her mouth and shook it, dumping some into her mouth. “These are good,” she said around a mouthful.

  His stomach tightened. “Glad you like them.”

  During their brief circuit, they ran into Pansy and West. Pansy eyed them both suspiciously. Rose took another defiant mouthful of nuts and chewed them ostentatiously as she stared her sister down. They also went by Iris’s booth, where she and Sammy were serving baked goods.

  “Ryder went off to get me a cheeseburger,” Sammy said. “You just missed him.”

  He wasn’t that broken up that he had missed Ryder. All things considered.

  He recognized Rose’s body language getting awkward again.

  It must be Iris. This whole thing really did have Rose all wound up. He did feel sorry for her, but it was a mess of her own making. A mess she had dragged him into. A mess they were now about to both be tangled up in.

  “How’s the booth going?” he asked.

  “Good,” Iris said. He didn’t think it was his imagination that Iris seemed...a little bit chilly. So, maybe Rose wasn’t completely off base with her discomfort.

  “Great,” he said. “We’re just taking a break.”

  “Yeah,” Rose said, shaking her diminished nut cone.

  “We haven’t had time for a break,” Iris said. “We’ve been busy.”

  “Great,” he responded. “Well, we won’t keep you, then.”

  “Bye,” Sammy said, waving them off.

  When they were out of earshot, he turned to Rose. “So she’s really mad at you?”

  “I think so,” Rose said. “And I don’t know how to begin to fix it.”

  “Do you think she liked him that much?”

  “She was starting to. And it’s all bad because I know she’s never put herself out there like that before. But... When I... When I told her...her face, Logan. And she’s been chilly ever since. And I don’t know what to do about it.”

  “Well,” he said, “we can’t fix it right
now. And you can’t fix it until she tells you what’s going on.”

  “I know,” she said.”

  “So, I guess that just leaves us with only ourselves to worry about.”

  Rose looked up at him, her eyes shining bright, filled with some unnamed emotion.

  It wasn’t really excitement. It wasn’t really fear.

  It was something else altogether, mixed with a kind of admiration he didn’t think he deserved.

  “I guess so,” she said.

  “Come on,” he said. “Let’s get back to the booth.”

  There were still a few hours of torture left to go before he’d finally have Rose, naked in his arms.

  He’d waited five years.

  He could handle a few more hours.

  Then she would be his all night.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  THERE WAS A time in every woman’s life when she looked at her underwear drawer and found it lacking. At least, Rose assumed this was something that happened to every woman. She had never looked at underwear before and considered what someone else might think of her in them.

  It was a little bit annoying, knowing that beyond cleanliness, she doubted men considered it at all. Or maybe they did. She didn’t actually know. Their options were limited, sure. But maybe there was some consideration given to if they were going to wear standard tighty-whities or something a little bit more provocative like a pair of tight black boxer briefs. Again, making assumptions about which would actually look more provocative.

  She had seen men in underwear on underwear packaging, but that was about it.

  Whether he was worried about it or not, she was going to see Logan in his underwear. And he was going to see her in hers.

  She stared at her underwear drawer, as if it might magically make something sexy appear.

  Nothing. Not a single scrap of lace.

  Show up. Be you.

  Yeah, he said that. But hers were plain white and from a variety pack. Both the panties and the sports bras.