The Life She Left Behind Read online

  “I’m in,” she said.

  He turned, the tension in his body obvious, his jaw tight. He knelt down on the floor beside the tub and she rested her head against the back of the tub. She felt Taj’s hand on her neck, his strong fingers slowly kneading away the ache in her muscles. She hadn’t realized how tense she’d gotten.

  But then, heartbreak and constant vomiting could do that to a girl.

  He put his other hand on her shoulder, working at the knots there. She released a breath, trying to ignore the other kind of tension that was flooding through her while the muscle tension receded.

  This was what she craved from him. This caring. This touch that went beyond a need for sex and satisfaction. A touch that gave.

  She wanted to stay with him like this forever. And she also wished he’d never shown her this part of himself. Never shown her this fleeting glimpse of how it could be if he loved her.

  If only things could be different.

  She closed her eyes, and felt a tear roll down her cheek. “I wish things were different.”

  Chapter Ten

  I wish things were different.

  Her words echoed in him. Mocked him. Tore at his insides. He replayed them over and over as he helped her from the tub, drying her, trying to keep his body disinterested, as he carried her to bed and tucked her back in.

  As he walked out into her sitting room and collapsed onto the sofa, his hands were shaking as he forked his fingers through his hair.

  She was unhappy. He had known it. Had seen the unease in her from the moment she’d arrived in Rahat and he had not cared. Because he had her. That was all that had mattered to him. That she couldn’t leave him again. That he would be able to keep her.

  Keep her? As if she was an exotic pet or a rare collectible? His stomach rebelled at the thought.

  She was a woman. The only person he had ever…

  It hit him then, like a punch to his jaw.

  He loved her. She was the only person he had ever loved. He had, from the moment he’d met her. And what had he done? He had set out to buy her, like an item. Like anything else he hoped to acquire in his life. Because currency, power, that was what he understood, not feelings.

  Three years later he understood. Why he had not wanted another woman since he’d met Angelina. Why it had felt so essential to hold her to him when he’d finally found her again.

  But at what cost? He had only thought of himself. Had only thought of what it meant to him to have her.

  How had he not realized it was a prison sentence to her?

  He would rather go through life alone than subject her to it. Than to force her to be with him when she had no desire to be his wife.

  She never had.

  Fate. She had blamed fate for forcing them together when he had been the one forcing things all along.

  She wanted things to be different. And they would be.

  “Taj?” Angelina crept out of her darkened bedroom and into her sitting area. Taj was sitting on her couch, still shirtless, the lights off. He appeared oblivious to the fact that the sun had gone down. He was just sitting, looking at his hands.

  “Taj,” she said again, moving to sit beside him. “Is everything all right?”

  He looked at her, his face lost in shadow. “You are here, and you are safe. How could anything be wrong?”

  There was something off about his tone. Something dark in his voice. Gritty.

  “I just thought…”

  “How do you feel?” he asked.

  “I’m fine. Better. Actually I feel ready to eat, which is a first for a few days. Either the hormone induced nausea is over, or it’s the eye of the storm.”

  “I hope it’s over,” he said, his tone still flat.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “You asked me, Angelina, if fate had forced us together.”

  “I…I remember that.” She wanted to touch him, but something stopped her.

  His gaze was distant. “I have the answer now. There is no such thing as fate. Only sheikhs who think they are God. I will not play at a profession so far above myself. Not anymore.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “We will not marry.”

  Angelina felt like the floor tilted sideways. “What?”

  “You ask far too many questions,” he said, standing. “I have made myself, my wishes, very clear. We will not marry at the end of the week. We will not marry.”

  “And…where will I go?” she asked, not caring about his anti-question mandate. Because she had questions. Lots and lots of questions. And giving voice to them, needing the answers to them, was the only thing keeping her heart from splintering. “What about our child?”

  “I will see our child. I will support our child in every way possible. But I am not holding you here.”

  “What changed?”

  “I cannot lock us in a situation that would be unendurable for us both.” He turned his back on her, and she felt a sharp stab hit her in the chest. “You may stay here in the palace as long as it suits you. I will not have you move under the present circumstances. It is your choice where you go when you feel able to leave. If you choose to stay in Rahat, a home will be provided for you.”

  “And if I choose to leave the country?” she asked, ice coating her words, her body, her heart, offering protection. Shock providing insulation against the pain.

  “Visitation will need to be arranged,” he said, his eyes black holes in the darkness of the room. “I will be there when my child is born, make no mistake. You will not shut me out.”

  She felt like she was breaking inside. Slowly cracking apart.

  But she wouldn’t beg. She wouldn’t show him. Already, she loved him while he felt…what did he feel? He had been so kind earlier and now this. Now he could cast her off as quickly as he’d brought her into his world.

  Already he had too much power. She wouldn’t let him know it.

  “I promise, Taj.” She tilted her chin up, called on every bit of strength inside of her and used it. “If you want to see our child, anytime, day or night, you will be able to. I will never keep them from you.”

  “Good.”

  “Can you please go?”

  He nodded once. “I’m on my way out.”

  He walked out of the sitting room and she heard the double doors to her segment of rooms close behind him.

  Only then did she allow tears to fall.

  Chapter Eleven

  On the day that would have been her wedding day Angelina took one last look at her suite of rooms in the Rahatan palace, and closed the double doors behind her.

  She didn’t know where she would go. She’d given up her house in Italy to follow Princess Carlotta to her new home in Santa Christobel, and she’d given up her position there to come and marry Taj.

  She could go back to Texas. That thought only brought intense regret.

  She looked out the window at the sun-washed desert and wondered if she would ever feel home anywhere else. Anywhere besides this place that had seemed an alien planet when she’d first arrived.

  She moved through the corridor and tried to ignore the way the staff moved around her. The way they ignored her presence. She supposed she was written off now. Cast off by their sheikh, cast off by them.

  Taj. Oh, Taj.

  Her heart bled his name with each beat.

  It was hot outside. It was always hot there. She should be glad to leave the miserable heat. She would be happier if she had any idea of where she would end up. Anywhere beyond the lovely, modern hotel in the center of the capital city.

  That was her next stop. It would do for now.

  She closed her eyes and looked to the sun, letting it warm her face. She ignored the limousine that had pulled up to the front of the palace courtyard, waiting for her. Waiting to take her away.

  “Angel?”

  She turned sharply, her eyes opening. “Taj?”

  He was standing at the entrance to the gardens. She hadn’t seen hi
m in the days since he’d broken things off with her. She’d assumed he’d gone to one of his other homes. It was what she’d been told.

  “I didn’t think you were here.”

  “I wasn’t,” he said, his voice rough. “I was trying to keep away until you’d left.”

  “Am I so repulsive to you?” she asked, her voice crisp, masking the wound his words left in her heart.

  He closed the distance between them, his strides long and fast. “Are you repulsive to me?” he asked, his expression stark. Open. “You can’t ask me that? Do you realize that for the three years since I first met you I have wanted no one else? That I’ve had no lovers because the memory of your kiss was enough to keep me from being aroused by any other woman?”

  “Lust.” The word came out a whisper. She couldn’t believe it. That he hadn’t wanted anyone else. That he hadn’t had anyone else. It didn’t seem possible. “Lust is all that is. It isn’t enough.”

  “Lust is cheap, Angel. If it were lust I could have satisfied it with any number of women in any number of ways. That’s not what it is.”

  “Then why are you making me go?” she asked, her voice breaking, her pride forgotten for the moment.

  “Because I will not hold you prisoner. I will not bend your will to fit with mine. I will not make you miserable to ensure my own happiness. Not anymore.”

  “I…I don’t understand.”

  “I saw you, in your father’s home, so beautiful. So perfect. And I wanted you. I sought out to buy you like I would anything else I coveted. Because nothing in my life had ever been denied me. I simply asked, or wrote a check, and it was mine. I thought you would be no different. But you left me. And I thought I would forget. But I couldn’t. When I saw you again, standing in the balcony at the palace in Santina, I thought only of satisfying my desire for you. Of having you. Possessing you. Exactly like the first time.”

  Angelina crossed her arms beneath her breasts, tightening her hold on herself. She would stand upright. She would not dissolve. “And now what? You’ve decided you want to return me?”

  “Then I had you. And you left,” he said, continuing as if she hadn’t spoken. “I swore I wouldn’t chase you. I swore to forget you. Still I could not. And when you told me you were having my baby…the chance at last to tie you to me forever. To bring peace to my world. I was happy. Happy because you could not leave me. Because this time you had to stay.”

  He shook his head, a sudden flash of disgust curling his lip. “But something changed. I found myself wanting to give to you. And as I did, I realized how much your happiness meant. How much more it meant than my own. How could I be happy when you were so miserable? How could I hold you prisoner and call you mine?”

  “But…but… Does my father have anything to do with this…has he?”

  “Nothing,” he said, his voice fierce. “I rejected his offer of a partnership after I lost you. It was I who rejected it, not him. Because I couldn’t face having a connection to you without having you.”

  “You said you kept in touch.”

  His expression turned bleak. “I called sometimes. To see if there had been word of you.”

  “You did?”

  “I love you,” he said. “I love you more than I love myself, and I don’t think I have ever felt that way. I’m certain I haven’t. I want…I want your happiness so much more than I want my own. So you must promise me, Angelina, that you will be happy. And then I will let you go with a smile.”

  Angelina’s breath caught, her hands shaking. “You…love me?”

  “Yes,” he said.

  She shook her head, tears stinging her eyes. “I…I can’t do what you asked just now. I can’t go and be happy.”

  “What do you need?” he asked, his eyes shining. “What do you need and I will give it to you.”

  “You,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face. “I need you.”

  One of his arms curved around her waist and he lowered his head, pressing his forehead against her shoulder. “Why did you wish so badly for things to be different, then?”

  “Because you didn’t love me. I wanted your love and knowing I couldn’t have that…that’s why I was sad.”

  He raised his head, his eyes meeting hers. “I did love you. I didn’t know what to call it. And I did not love you in the right way. I know with certainty that I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you. But now I’m ready to love you right.”

  “What changed?” she asked.

  “I did. I think it’s because of you. No, I know it is. You have changed me. You have humbled me. And I needed it, badly.”

  “I love you, Taj. I loved you then. But I couldn’t stand the thought of marrying you just because you wanted to strengthen your nation’s economy. I wanted to be more to you than that.”

  “You are,” he said. “Though I could not have said it then. I was foolish.”

  “Maybe we both were.”

  “Maybe we will be again,” he said.

  “But we love each other. And that’s why we’ll stay together.”

  “You’ll stay with me then? Be my wife?”

  “Yes,” she said, pressing a kiss to his lips, her heart swelling with emotion, tears sliding down her cheeks.

  He kissed her deeper, tightening his hold on her.

  “I’ll get a procession of camels, right, sugar?” she whispered, nipping his earlobe.

  He chuckled. “Nothing is too grand for you.”

  “On second thought, I don’t need the camels.”

  “You don’t?”

  She shook her head, raised her hand and traced a line of moisture on his cheek. “No. I only need you.”

  * * *

  Turn the page to read the first chapter of The Price of Royal Duty by Penny Jordan, the first full novel in The Santina Crown series….

  The Price of Royal Duty

  Chapter One

  ‘Ash.’ Sophia Santina, youngest daughter of the King and Queen of the island of Santina, breathed the name silently to herself, almost reverentially. Just the feel of the nearly silent breath that whispered his name and caressed her throat was enough to raise erotic pinpricks of desire within her flesh. Ash. How the whispering of his name was enough to unleash within her an aching echo of the tumultuous teenage desires he had once aroused in her. The very air was electric with the reckless sensual excitement that wantonly flooded her, even though she had sworn she would not, positively not, allow herself to experience it.

  She had known, of course, that he had been invited to her eldest brother’s engagement party here at the castle that was their family home, but knowing that and actually seeing him with that strikingly sensual maleness of his that she remembered so well were two very different things.

  She would have recognised him anywhere, just as she had done now merely from her brief glimpse of the back view of him as he walked into the ballroom and then turned to refuse a glass of champagne. Just the turn of his head, just the thick dark sheen of his hair and the way it curled into the nape of his neck, was enough to conjure up old memories. Memories of longing recklessly for the right to bury her fingers in its softness, curl them around its strands and then urge his mouth down to her own. A shudder of sensual awareness jolted through her. Some things never changed. A certain kind of need, a certain kind of desire, a certain kind of love. First love? Surely only a fool believed that first love was an only love, and she prided herself on not being that. No, Ash had killed that tremulous, tender love when he had rejected her, telling her that she was a child still who was putting herself in danger by offering herself to a man of his age, that she was fortunate that his own sense of honour and the repugnance he felt at the very thought of taking what she offered meant that she was protected from him taking advantage of her naivety. Telling her that even if she had been older he would not have wanted her because he was wholly committed to someone else.

  She had promised herself then that in future her love would only be gi
ven to a man who was worthy of it and who valued it and her. A man who loved her as much as she did him. And because of that promise to herself, she needed Ash’s help now, no matter how much her pride reacted angrily against that need.

  Putting down her virtually untouched drink, she started to walk towards him.

  Standing in the packed ballroom in the castle on the Mediterranean island of Santina, the official residence and home of the royal family of Santina, Ashok Achari, Maharaja of Nailpur, frowned as his grim, obsidian gaze swept the scene in front of him. Beyond the open doors to the stunningly elegant ballroom with its crystal chandeliers and antique mirrors stood footmen wearing the livery of the royal family. An impressive dress-uniformed group of the king’s own personal guard had been standing motionless in front of the castle in honour of the occasion and the guests. As a fellow royal, Ash had seen them salute him as the limousine that had picked him up from the airport had swept up to the main entrance. It was plain that no expense was being spared to celebrate the engagement of the king’s eldest son and heir.

  His fellow guests milled around him, and laughter and the sound of conversation filled the air. Ash had gone to school with the groom-to-be, Alex, and they were still close friends. Even so, he hadn’t wanted to attend this engagement party as he had more pressing matters to deal with at home, but duty was important to Ash—far more so than any personal desires—and duty had compelled him to accept.

  He had, though, ordered his pilot to have his private jet standing ready to fly him back to Mumbai where he had an important business meeting in the morning. A sixth sense had him turning round just as an exquisitely beautiful petite brunette came hurrying towards him.

  Sophia.

  A woman now, not the girl she had been the last time he had seen her in person. Where he had remembered a girl trembling on the brink of womanhood, innocent and eager, in need of protection from herself, he was now being confronted by a woman who clearly knew all about her sexuality and its power and how to both use it and take pleasure from it. That his body had recorded and registered that information in the time it had taken him to exhale and breathe again pointed to a weakness within himself of which he had previously been unaware.