Cowboy to the Core Read online

  Hank shook his head. “I know. It’s why I never...why I never pushed again. Gabe, I felt bad about what I did.”

  Gabe looked up, his eyes clashing with his dad’s. “You did?”

  “But I didn’t know how to take it back. I didn’t know how to make it right after I broke it like that. And I lost you. I knew I did.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

  Hank shook his head. “I’ve spent a lot of my damn life asking why I did anything. And it’s only been with counseling I’ve gotten some of the answers.”

  Gabe could have gotten knocked over with a damned feather. “Counseling?”

  “Yeah, your mother and I started counseling when I retired. When she demanded I change. We had to figure out how. Because God knew I wasn’t going to figure it out on my own. Even with that... I’m not good at making amends. I like to ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen. I’m sorry, Gabe. I’ve been sorry since I hurt you. I want you to have the life you want.”

  “So...you don’t have an issue with me doing this?”

  “No. Whatever sins I committed... I just wanted what was best for you boys. I struggled. I was uneducated. I didn’t have any money. I married young, had a family that I couldn’t take care of. I don’t think you remember it much.”

  “I remember.”

  “I wasn’t proud of that trailer. I wasn’t proud to have you boys there. I wanted better.”

  “I remember being happy there.”

  “Because you didn’t know how much we struggled just to keep us in that little place that was run-down and molding. Dammit, kid, I was afraid you were going to fall through the floor one day. I’m glad you didn’t know. I guess that’s something I did right. Then I got successful, and I let things get to my head. And sometimes I think I forgot why I was doing what I was doing. It became more about me and less about you. But you have to understand that even when I did the wrong thing, it was because I wanted to do right by my children.”

  “Dad...”

  It was on the tip of his tongue to talk about the one thing they never talked about. To bring up the one subject that had always been taboo. Now that he knew what he wanted, now that he wasn’t lost in that rodeo haze, he felt like it was time to have all this out.

  If he was going to be here, he needed to be here. And that meant no more holding on to the resentment. It meant having it out.

  He’d discussed it once, with one person. And never again.

  “It’s true,” Hank said. “For all my sins, I love my boys.”

  And then he couldn’t hold it back anymore.

  “What about the other boys, Dad? What about your other sons? The ones that you refuse to acknowledge? The ones that you chose to ignore? Because apparently, illegitimate children were one sin too many for you to acknowledge. I know you didn’t know about McKenna. But there are others. What about them? How can you look me in the eye and tell me you just wanted what was best for us, when you didn’t want anything for them?”

  Hank said nothing. Instead, he went deadly still. And he looked up at Gabe with pale blue eyes, his expression one of confusion. “One of the other boys?”

  “Don’t fucking lie to me,” Gabe said. “I know that there were at least two others. I know there were. Mom told me about them. She told me about them right before she told me to go into the rodeo and make you miserable for what you did. To not let you win after you took those horses from me. Because you deserved it. Because it wasn’t just me whose life you controlled. You control mine by giving me everything, and then those boys... You did nothing.”

  “Gabe,” Hank said, his voice strangely calm and even. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

  “Are you lying to me?”

  “No,” Hank said. “You’re right. It would be stupid for me to pretend I didn’t have illegitimate children when I got caught sticking my dick into other women all the time. I admit to what I am. I was a philanderer for a good long time, and I had no business making vows to your mother when I couldn’t keep them worth a damn. But among my sins was not ignoring children that I knew about.”

  “I don’t understand that.”

  “Obviously, I can add to my list of sins occasionally not using a condom.”

  “Dad,” Gabe said.

  “What? There’s no point dancing around it. No point pretending that’s not what we’re talking about. I was shit at controlling myself. But... Gabe...there aren’t other sons. At least not any that I know about.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  JAMIE WAS JUST finishing up with the last of her duties, which had included checking on the motor she’d installed earlier. She checked it off on the main roster, and just resisted drawing a hand with its middle finger waving in the air. She didn’t want to leave any kind of public clue that her relationship with Gabe went anywhere beyond professional.

  So she initialed it, and then suddenly found herself being hauled backward into the office.

  Gabe shut the door behind them, locked it. There was something terrifying in those blue eyes of his. Fury, but something else that she couldn’t read.

  “Gabe...”

  “I need you,” he said, his voice fractured.

  “You...what?”

  “I need you.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t want to talk.”

  He reached over to the desk and swept all the papers that were on the edge of it on the floor, then picked Jamie up and deposited her on the edge, stepping between her thighs and taking her mouth in a searing kiss.

  His heart was pounding hard, and it wasn’t just desire, or anything like that. It was beating like he was afraid.

  And she didn’t want him to be afraid. So she clung to his shoulders and kissed him back, offered him everything he had taught her to give. He needed her.

  His strength was failing him, and he needed her. Needed her to be strong now so that he could break.

  She didn’t need to know why to know that.

  At the same time it frightened her to be entrusted with such a thing.

  Because when a man as strong as Gabe needed you to hold on to his strength for a moment, you had to be strong.

  You’re strong. You’ve always been strong.

  She’d taken care of her brothers, hadn’t she? Her dad?

  Except, as Gabe wrenched her shirt up over her head, as he planted raw kisses on her neck, fractured sounds escaping him, she realized that in her family, they didn’t do a very good job of depending on each other at all.

  Because what they really did was keep everything as tight inside as they could. That was their version of caring. Making sure they carried all the burdens on their own without handing them over to anyone else.

  Gabe wasn’t doing that, not now. He might not be sharing with words, but he was demonstrating with feelings now.

  There was no guard up. There was nothing but pure, raw need.

  He dispensed with her bra next, setting her back on the ground for a moment while he helped her shed her jeans and underwear, before setting her back up on the desk.

  The wood was cold against her ass, and it felt pretty weird to be sitting naked on a piece of furniture like that, but any sense of strangeness was quickly taken from her as he returned to her, kissing her, her bare breasts brushing against his fully clothed chest. The denim of his jeans was rough against her tender skin, but she didn’t mind.

  He undid the buckle on his belt, unsnapped his jeans and drew the zipper down, and she pushed the fabric out of the way, exposing him to her hungry gaze.

  She wrapped her fingers around him, squeezing him tightly.

  His body had become more familiar to her over the past week and a half of being his lover. But there was still something she hadn’t tried yet that she really wanted to.

  But she had a sens
e that this was the right time. That this was what he needed.

  She wanted to... The way he had come to her, with those walls down, she wanted to give back to him in that same way. They’d been naked together, but she was always protecting pieces of herself. Not wanting to get things wrong or look inexperienced. And that was what had held her back from this. But it wasn’t about her right now. She shifted, sliding gingerly from the desk and onto the wooden floor, totally naked, while he remained clothed, with only his erection exposed. She leaned in, sliding her tongue over his length before taking as much of him into her mouth as she could. He groaned, moving his hand to her ponytail and wrapping his fist around it, holding on to her tightly as she moved forward, experimenting with just the right way to tease him with her tongue and slide of her lips.

  He didn’t protest, ever. His hold on her was firm, and he directed her, with her hair, and with his hand held around the base of himself, guiding her in how to please him.

  And pretty soon, she forgot that there was anything to it other than want.

  Other than giving.

  Her own heart was hammering hard, an echoing pulse between her legs as she allowed herself to be consumed with the experience of pleasuring him.

  His scent, his taste. And pretty soon, he was shaking, his hold on her no longer so firm, his breath coming in short, sharp bursts.

  “Not like that,” he said, wrenching her away from him and lifting her back up to the desk. “I have to have you.”

  He reached into his back pocket and took out his wallet, pulling out a condom and chucking the billfold on his desk before tearing the packet open and protecting them both. He hooked her legs up over his hips and slammed himself inside her.

  Jamie gasped, pleasure piercing her like an arrow as he moved within her, his thrusts desperate and intense. Everything she could have hoped to want.

  There was something wonderful about him being clothed while she was totally naked. The same kind of wonderful that he needed her right now, in the office, and without waiting to get home.

  And it underlined the fact that this was for him. That she was there for him.

  And it made something shift inside Jamie. Made her feel like another half to a whole.

  Because so many times over the course of the past week and a half, he had been instructing her. Carrying her. Bolstering her.

  He had given her a whole list of firsts, and he had taken cracks and broken spaces inside her and filled them.

  Called her his pretty girl.

  Made her toast and hot chocolate when she cried.

  And that she could give to him now... It was an essential part of this thing between them, and she hadn’t even realized it. His movements became even more fierce, more fractured. The look in his eyes wild. And she knew. Knew just what he needed from her.

  Pleasure uncurled in her stomach, and she stretched up, pressing her lips to his ear. “Come for me,” she whispered.

  His body shuddered, and he slammed against her, pouring himself inside her.

  His release set off a reaction inside her, created her own sense of intense, driving need that broke her open and satisfied her, left her shivering and spent against him.

  “Let’s go home,” he said, rough.

  He pulled away from her, and sighed heavily, looking at the papers on the floor. He threw the condom in the wastebasket and covered it with the papers.

  She nodded, collecting her clothes. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” she asked.

  “It’s nothing.”

  “So nothing that you jumped me in your office?”

  He sighed heavily. “We’ll talk at home.”

  Home.

  He kept saying that.

  And earlier, she’d thought of his house that way.

  She didn’t know why that felt so easy. Didn’t know why it didn’t seem scary or strange.

  They were silent in the truck on the way back, and when they got inside, he went straight to the kitchen. Began slamming cabinets open and shut and Jamie shooed him away. “Go sit down,” she said.

  He looked angry, but complied, sitting in a chair at the breakfast nook in the corner.

  Jamie grabbed a saucepan and poured some milk in it, putting it on the burner while she got some bread and stuck it in the toaster.

  “That isn’t exactly dinner,” he pointed out.

  “No,” she said. “But I thought this was our upset food?”

  A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, even though he seemed determined not to let it show. “Thank you.”

  She bustled about the kitchen easily, marveling at how she knew where things were. She spread butter across the toast after it popped up, and put one on each plate, setting a mug of hot chocolate in front of Gabe, and another in front of herself.

  “Are you ready to talk yet?”

  “I told you about my dad selling the horses. But I didn’t tell you about the other piece of it.”

  “I’m all ears,” she said.

  “My dad was my hero when I was a kid. I think your dad is always your hero.”

  Jamie nodded. “Yeah. Definitely.”

  “To me, he could do no wrong. He was like a larger-than-life figure. A real cowboy come to life. And I didn’t understand the conflict he and my mother had. I just knew they fought. I didn’t think... I didn’t know why. It wasn’t until I got a little bit older that I realized he cheated on her. A lot. They separated for a while, but then they got back together. They actually divorced at one point. But then they got back together. And she was never... She was never not with him. Not really. Their relationship is one for the ages, with a dose of toxic that I could never understand. She just... She loved him so much. No matter what he did, she could never leave. And so he really had the power to hurt her. And I...I’m the oldest. I started taking it on myself to protect her. Because if I didn’t, I didn’t know who would. My dad wasn’t doing it. So I had to. She was enraged at my dad when he sold those horses. Because she knew. She understood that sometimes logic and love don’t come into each other. She didn’t care what I did with my life, as long as I was happy. She felt like anything else coming from the two of them was hypocrisy. And that was right when she found out the thing that had betrayed her most deeply. That my father didn’t just cheat, but that there were children. That he had other children with other women and had covered it up. She wanted to hurt him, and I did, too. For her. For me. So I didn’t let him win. I didn’t let him have me. I didn’t let him have control over who I was going to be. That was why I joined the rodeo. And it’s why when McKenna came... It’s why it was so easy to embrace her. Accept her. Because I’d known about those other kids, and I had felt guilty about it for as long as I could remember. It wasn’t like it was their fault.”

  Jamie didn’t know what to say. No one had ever really sat and spilled their guts to her before. And she wanted him to. She wanted more of it, more of him. She just didn’t quite know how to comfort anyone. There was no real right or wrong. It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t even a request for her to fix anything.

  She swallowed. “My brother has a kid, you know. Bennett. He really didn’t know about him. Maybe your dad didn’t...”

  “He didn’t,” Gabe said. “At least, that’s what he’s telling me. My mom said he did. And so either... Either none of it was true, and she was manipulating me... I don’t even know what else to think.”

  “Have you talked to her?”

  He barked a laugh. “No. I came straight to you.”

  Jamie’s heart twisted. “Oh.”

  “I don’t know what the hell to do with this, Jamie. My family is dysfunctional. We love each other. We always have. But I...I wanted to take care of her, no matter what. She didn’t have to lie to me.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what to say. But I know that secrets are toxic. W
yatt and my dad had their share, and it nearly destroyed them. I also know that family is complicated. Because the relationship Wyatt had with Dad isn’t the relationship that Bennett had with him. Or the relationship Grant had. Or even me. All the stuff is just... It’s complicated. And it doesn’t mean you don’t love everybody.”

  “This is testing it,” he said.

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  She reached across the table and put her hand over his. She’d never been in a situation where touch was required for comfort.

  Stand up, wipe the blood off, move on.

  But she didn’t want to tell Gabe to wipe the blood off. She wanted to make him feel better.

  The desire made her feel both softer and stronger. More than a little bit vulnerable.

  But what struck her most of all was how much she wanted this. To help him carry that burden. And it had her thinking about her own life, and the way she had tried to act tough, and what she’d assumed her brothers and father wanted from her. She swallowed the lump building in her throat, because it wasn’t really the time to think about that or talk about it. This was about him.

  “You’re going to have to ask her,” she said.

  “I know,” he said. “But not now. Not for a while.”

  “Those siblings... Those ones that you found out about back then. They’re one of the reasons you want to do this last chance ranch thing, aren’t they?”

  “I’ve always felt guilty. Because I never asked my mom if she knew how to get in touch with any of them. So that concern that I felt...it didn’t really mean much of anything, did it?”

  “How old were you?”

  “Seventeen. Old enough.”

  “No,” Jamie said. “Not really.”

  “What would you have thought about that? If it were you?”

  “Oh, even a couple of weeks ago I would’ve told you that seventeen was old enough to make those kinds of decisions. Old enough to handle yourself. But it’s a strange thing... Having two weeks of firsts. You realize all of a sudden, when you know a little more, how little you know at all.”